Words Of (Smart-Ass) Wisdom

Photo: monobono (The Mighty Souls)

These days, it is extremely common to hear the phrase "Shit hit the fan", to the point of it being overly-used and abused. Ask someone how was breakfast and he might reply, "Oh I didn't get to have breakfast because shit hit the fan, (fill in reason why shit hit the fan)". Yadda yadda yadda.

So, being the smart-ass that I can be at times, I came up with a theory, or rather a sarcastic rebuttal every time someone uses that phrase inappropriately.

The only time you would know that "shit hit the fan", is when faecal matter splatters all over the room, on the walls, ceiling, floor and all over you. This can be proven through scientific means, in this case, Newton's Second Law and the mechanics of Projectile Motion.

Newton's Second Law is explained as "a body of mass subject to a force undergoes an acceleration that has the same force and a magnitude that is directly proportional to the force and inversely proportional to the mass". In the case of projectile motion, a projectile, as stated in Wikipedia, is "any body that is given an initial velocity and then follows a path determined by the effect of the gravitational acceleration and by air resistance" and the path followed by a projectile is called its trajectory, which is affected by gravity.

Therefore, depending on the splatter and the state of matter the faecal matter is in, which is directly proportional to the contributor and his diet, we can gauge how severe the problem is when someone says "shit hit the fan". Voila! Eureka!

Just a word(s) of advice though, the above-written is purely theoretical and if you do really try to put it into practice, we shall not entertain any claims for the engagement of professional cleaning services, or damages. Also, using the above material in a conversation with a girl whom you have a crush on, whilst on your first date, will definitely guarantee that there will not be a second date. To be precise, no dates at all; zilch, nil, zero.

Trying to get yourself out of a sticky situation with a policeman or a district judge, using the above theory, would not get you a 'Get Out Of Jail' card or a pat on the back for being a smart-arse. It would, however, result in either one of the following offences, "Obstruction of Justice", "Verbal Abuse of a Law Enforcement Agent" or "Contempt of Court". Try it at your own risk eh. = )

As mentioned in Radiohead's 'Myxomatosis', "Yeah, no one likes a smart ass but we all like stars". Awesome track by the way. = )

Radiohead - Myxomatosis